Balance and Self-Care

We know that the basic personality is formed in three to five years of life. Dr. Edward Tronick’s Still Face Experiment shows us that attachment in infants as young as six months can set people up for mental health or deprive them of it, forcing them to find coping mechanisms that can include antisocial behavior.

From this it can be inferred that even those of us who see a therapist may miss early traumas that impact our underlying sense of self worth. If we don’t address the fundamental questions, healthy attachment and healthy behavior may never follow. We may always be stuck in cycles of anger, resentment, or detachment.

I’ve seen this in too many people in my life. Someone may argue, Tim, you’re not a professional or Tim, you may be projecting. Yes and maybe. But I can tell you, it’s so strong that sometimes I can sense it in a person, even a person I’ve never spoken with or met, from over ten feet away. I can see it particularly in women who are attracted to me. I’m paternal by nature and this, by contrast, also turns off women who are healthier or whose love languages steer toward physical intimacy.

I hate to seek people I love or just people in general suffering with these deep, unhealed wounds from the past. I hate especially seeing those who have been involved with psychotherapy or recovery and believe that they are now whole. All disorder of the mind is chronic. You don’t “get over” heart disease. You can do things to lessen your risks of its extreme consequences. Some involve changing the heart physically. The brain is not much different, but we prefer to treat it with something akin to reverence as though this organ is divine. Only in the most extreme cases do we take on surgical solutions. Meanwhile, we blast our brains with all kinds of controlled and uncontrolled chemicals - everything from processed sugars, to caffeine, to prescription drugs, to illegal substances. Some or all of these can impact the brain in lasting ways. As a non-coffee drinker, I remember becoming surly during caffeine withdrawals back when a boss of mine would get me Starbucks in the morning.

Most everybody’s life is informed by trauma. What’s traumatic to one person. also, is not traumatic to another. A person can be traumatized by a lack of parenting or by too much parenting. That person can have mental health impact equal to someone who was severely neglected or abused. Or a person in either scenarios can develop coping mechanisms that make their mental illness virtually invisible. We can even forget we have it ourselves. We can tell ourselves we are fine only to have our issues re-emerge during times of extreme stress. Hoarding can be brought on by a bad divorce but the cause can be food insecurity in childhood. In my opinion it’s part of the reason we have people hoarding toilet paper during Covid-19.

So if we can’t heal completely, the answer must lie in changing what we can and learning to live with the rest. Change is painful because it starts by admitting that there is something that may not be wrong but isn’t right. That’s why a lot of people prefer to live with unacceptable things. Maybe we maintain a connection to a toxic parent or dismiss and enable the behavior of a a reckless child. Recovery also means setting setting boundaries and understanding our limits. It means not placing ourselves in harm’s way.

It also means accepting and loving ourselves. That can be tough, and it can be a journey.

Wherever life finds you today, I hope you take a moment to think about the experiences that shape who you are. I hope you pause a moment and take stock of all the people in your life who have positive impact, and spend a little time thinking about your favorite memories. What are the more important moments in your life? If they are good moments, make more. If they are troubling moments, practice the healthy things you have to move past them. Let trauma inform, not re-traumatize.

Remember, your brain can be an ally or an enemy. Remember that you are more than your thoughts and feelings. You are the only you this universe will ever see. I take joy in you. Please do the same.

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